You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
