My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
