last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
