Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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