i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
