Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
