First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
