Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
