So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
