Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
