My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
