You work out of a Hotel?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
