God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
