jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
