just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
