Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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