im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
