a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
