don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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