I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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