I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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