Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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