tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
