Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
