My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I need water and some morals
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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