my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
