barbara walters just said penis...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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