I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
