ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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