then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
