You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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