you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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