Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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