i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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