Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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