cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
