I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
