If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
