my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
