He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
