God, you're like boner-b-gone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
