Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
