I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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