a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
