so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
