Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
