I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
