My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
