Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
