all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
