they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
