That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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