we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
