he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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