I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
