Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
