Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
