True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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