It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
