dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
