I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
