then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
