so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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